A new journey towards a better version of me.....

One of the quotes I live by is

"Always working towards becoming a better version of myself than yesterday"

it's been a year long preparing for this version to emerge. Since the new beginning of this journey, I have been asked with questions to why I decided to choose this path. Also, this is an opportunity to reintroduce me yet again but with a better introduction.

With all honesty I started wearing the hijab is for the sake of Allah, I wasn't forced to wear it but I feel it with all my heart that this is what I want and have thought long and hard about this. 

How did it all start, you may ask? The story I am about to tell you going to be long but it's the honest answer that I want to share with you and also in hopes that I could help another sister with my story and this might lead her to the right path insya Allah.

Before this I was having depression, it was mild but yet alarming (I do sometimes feel depress when reminded of a certain past but it's manageable now). How did I get this depression? It was a series of events that happened and remain very hurtful to me and I stop fighting to stay strong coz I felt a sense of frustration that exhaust me, felt burnt out and I let depression consume me, at this point in time I was constantly falling sick, lethargic and no energy for anything when things don't improve.

I stop speaking much and only speak to my kids or when I need to, I cried a lot at night, spoke to my family counsellor about what is going on with me but she told me to seek a psychiatrist help since I started to get insomnia and I also tried talking about my depression to my family but everyone denies it and keep telling me that I was over-thinking or too sensitive.

The outside world did not have a clue to what was going on with me, I pretend and acted like as if I feel like I'm on top of the world but only to come home feeling sorry for myself.

Depression is a silent killer, it silently kills you inside and left you paralyze but this is mental issues that are not normal for society to accept.

While those days I stayed in bed doing nothing but being upset with myself, out of the blue I started hearing the verses of the Quran in my head, at first I never take it seriously but it keeps repeating so often in my head and I recognize those verses before as I used to read the Quran when I was younger, Alhamdullilah I even manage to khatam Quran once and always wish I could do it again and again.

It was so random, I don't know what triggered it but the words from the Quran keep replaying in my head. It struck me that maybe there was a reason to me hearing these verses in my head. It took me months before I even pick up the Quran, until one day I couldn't stand it with myself and told myself to stop procrastinate and decide to reach for the Quran.

So I decided to start picking myself up and pray and cry to Allah about all my frustrations. And started reading the Quran which was gifted to me during my wedding. The amount of calmness I felt was so amazing that I couldn't stop, days after I look forward to reading it and wanting to know the meaning of it all.

I remember crying while reading the first few verses of Surah Al-Baqarah, at that point, I didn’t understand the meaning of the verses and I just kept on crying. It was like as if Allah wanted to speak to me to tell me if I was ever alone he is always there. I make a point to read the Quran every day even if it was just a page.

What sparks the changes in me were that amazingly Allah brought me back to life, he made me realized that no matter how frustrated I was with life, he will always be there for me no matter what my sins were.

Also, whatever frustration and depression that I was facing can slowly go away when I tawakkal to him.

Which is why I change..... I want to be a better version of myself and to find that happiness within me and not let others dictate my happiness. So far Alhamdullilah, I starting to find solutions to my problems, let go of the past, move forward slowly. I am not completely free from syaitan and I'm sure it will creep back every now and then which is why I find that when reciting the Quran it helps to breathe better.

The journey to reading Quran started with listening to the Quran app with translation at work and I will read those verses at home on my Quran in order to have a deeper understanding of the Quran. So I was learning again……. This too made me really happy.

After keeping my prayers in check, reading the Quran and learning about Islam all over again, I decided not to take advantage of what Allah had given me. And I start loving myself more and seeking knowledge to better myself.

After every prayer, I would make do’a to Allah to give me strength and courage to be a better person the next day.

For every downturn in life, there is always a lesson to learn. I do feel good that I slowly reaching this stage and my journey is still far and wide.

If you ever feel down, please pray.

If you are happy, please pray.

If you are sad, please pray.

If you are sick, please pray.

If you are tired, please pray.

This served are a reminder to me and you.

Till the next blog entry.

Salam.